Although, my sister's details of the events that unfolded in Houston were a very accurate description of the information that we received, I would like to share some additional sentiments. The scans and appointments went very well considering the usual routine, but learning that the PET Scan leaves you Radioactive for a period of time was very disturbing. Somehow, I missed that part with the first two. But at least the news we received were about as hopeful as we could of expected given my situation.
Please understand that I don't mean to sound ungrateful or pessimistic about my roller coaster of emotions, but lately I have had a difficult time comprehending my feelings. One moment I am thankful for all the support and love...and then I have feelings of guilt and bitterness for not feeling deserving of all the humble "gifts". Then I have a moment of clarity that is a realization of how blessed I am to have inspired so many for their amazing words of encouragement and sacrifice. I am a simple man that has complex emotions like everyone else...I love my family, friends, and God, but have a difficult time with organizing what should come first at any given moment. I don't fear death the way I think I should and I am worried that this is a sign of content and will slowly eat away at my will to fight if continued to be challenged. The pressure of such amazing support by so many gives me strength beyond belief, but also compresses the pressure for the obligation to live up to a life that should pave the way for someone with so much love and support. I mean how can you fail if everyone around you gives you all they can offer in support of your battle. What if I don't live up to the expectation? Will there be those that said he could of done more? That is why The Alex Laynor Foundation means so much to me and the possibility of what it could do for others. I feel like this foundation can succeed where I might fail or at least breathe life into another family or families that will benefit from my battle with this disease.
Thank you for allowing me to share some very deep emotions and please understand that the love I have for each one of you and God is something that even I can't express.
See you on Saturday the 30th,
Alex
Alex, I think your feelings are completely normal and expected. At least I hope so, because I have ridden that Rollercoaster myself. Don't know if that makes it OK or not.
ReplyDeleteYour supporters have no expectations. We are Caring for a person who we Love and Respect for the Strength you have shown. We know that if the roles were reversed, You would be there for us.
I always Love the instructions after a PETScan that say 'If you have kids you should avoid prolonged exposure to them for the rest of the day, because you are radioactive'. Isn't Cancer a side affect of Radioactivity?
Love Ya,
Mike Carr
Friend of Alex & ACS Hero Of Hope 2009
(I am honored more by your frienship than being a Hero!)
Amen Alex! I was leaving a very difficult appointment the other day, and was sitting in my car sobbing....I did not say to myself "you are strong, you can do this", I said "be the strength that everyone sees in you even if you don't feel it"...sometimes, it is just so hard to find the strength within ourselves, even when others can see it. I don't feel strong, I feel CRAZY!!!! Hugs! If you ever want to chat, I am here...well, I am on FB. =) Good luck on the 30th! I wish I could be there but I already made Relay speaking commitments here in NE. Take care of you. We don't support you to make you feel like you have to live up to something greater than you...we support you because we care about you. If you need time to be sad or mad or "not strong and not inspiring", then be all those things! The people that love and surround you will understand, and if they don't hopefully they will not judge until they have walked a mile in your shoes. HOH LOVE, HOPE, and PEACE in your heart! -Tracy
ReplyDeleteAlex,
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to let you know that I will be praying for you and your family. Our God is big (all the time, as a good friend often reminds me) I am so glad you are filled up by Him.